Does Life suck or do I just suck at Life???

**This post was originally posted on my Myspace blog on Feb. 27th, 2009.**

Why does it always seem like when I try to take 2 steps forward in my life, I always get knocked back 10 steps?

It's to the point that I'm too scared to go in any direction for fear of failure, because I know that anything I try...something real bad ends up happening to me. How do I know that? Because it's been that way for the past 8 years.

I know they say that it's just God's way of testing me, but dammit...I'm tired of all the tests! It's to the point where it's seriously becoming too overwhelming for me. I'm TIRED...So tired! I just want some peace of mind in my life. I don't even remember the last time I was genuinely happy. Every aspect of my life I feel that I have failed miserably in...financially, education, motherhood,relationships, health, socially...everything. The only thing that I am proud of is my son, but I feel like I have failed him.

Most people, even ones I'm close to don't even know half the craziness I have been through in my life. I'm a very private person, and I try to not put all my business out there. So they can't comprehend why I feel this way. If only you knew...

People keep telling me it's going to get better but it NEVER does. And that's not me trying to think negative, that's just been the Reality of the situation regardless of how hopeful and positive I've tried to be. Yes I know that a lot of people are struggling also all over the world, some might have it worse than me...but not to be rude...but I'm not living their life...I'm living MY life. I still have to worry about and deal with MY problems. So being told that doesn't make a difference to me, it doesn't make things BETTER for me. Did anyone consider that maybe I'M one of the people in that group that is having it the worst? Plus it doesn't even make sense to say some ish like that because of course there is always someone that is going to outdo somebody elses problems, and then the roles will eventually reverse.

Am I cursed or something? Did I do something so fucked up in a past life, that i'm now paying for those mistakes and dealing with bad karma in this present life? Geez...

It's like I know what I want to do in life, and what I need to get to that point. It's just these damn obstacles. I use to always fight for what I want no matter the obstacle, because I'm a natural warrior (Aries), but my strength to fight is getting weaker as time goes by. My optimism on life is slowly starting to dim.

In less than a month I will be 25 years old. I reflect on where my life is right now and I look at my peers around me, and see where I could have been in life...and it frustrates me that I still ended up in the same jacked up predicament that i was in years ago, DESPITE the fact that I've been probably trying way HARDER than most (I damn sure ain't no slacker). It's like all of my efforts are going down the drain one by one. And my faith in things getting better is now almost none existent.

Not to say I'm going to stop trying and completely give up. I have no choice but to keep trying, at least for my son. But I just don't see things getting any better for me. Like I've reached a plateau and can no longer rise up any higher.

I don't know...

I don't know...